Extortion

Extortion is the word for the day. It means “to obtain something through force or threats.” Humans use extortion with us dogs when they threaten that if we don’t “do” something, we will not be rewarded. No sit. No treat. That’s extortion in my mind. “You jump in that mud puddle, you will get a bath.” Another example of a threat. Which sometimes comes true.

So today, I decided to threaten my human. Give me all the treats in the treat jar, or I will tell the world what goes on in our home during a snowy day. A day when her highness cannot leave home because of the weather. A day when it is highly unlikely we will have visitors.

She did not comply with my request – despite my continued staring at her. I thought it would be clear that she should just give me the treats. But she didn’t. So allow me to give you a visual of her appearance and behavior during “snow days.”

True – she does extricate herself from her cozy bed before daybreak to allow us dogs to answer nature’s call. It’s also because we start staring at her and the beatnik starts licking her face. That maneuver always works to awaken her. She stumbles out of bed and into the bathroom, where she attempts to flatten the upstanding hair on her head. She also puts on her uniform.

If the day is particularly cold or windy or snowy – which is the description of most days January through March, she makes the proclamation that we are going “Quick quick .” That means no long walk. To embark on this journey, she wears a rather unflattering puffy coat. The right pocket is filled with treats. The left is filled with poop bags. Thanks to one of our loyal readers, she no longer has the poop bag extrication problem. That’s when you cannot open a poop bag and your fingers are freezing. One brilliant reader suggested doing that BEFORE we go out. That simple step has made our lives, well her highness’ life so much better.

Her attire these days also includes those mittens with the string that attaches them. Like children wear. They are a godsend when you need to take off your mittens to pick up poop. She does not need to stuff her mittens in her pockets. And she is no longer forever dropping them. They are beginning to wear out. We hope they will last through the season.

After we come in, and she has removed her outerwear, her hair is even more interesting. Now it is a combination of bed head and hat head. Bat head. And it is true – she looks batty.

After our breakfast routine and after we allow her to eat, she now has the whole day ahead of her. It is snowing. She can’t go anywhere. No one will be by to visit.

I am here to tell you, she does little to improve her appearance. In fact, if it is a truly stormy day, she may not even shower! I am betting that there are other dogs who are subjected to an equally astounding sight- but most will not share their experience with others. They just watch and roll their eyes.

Meanwhile, if the laundry has been done, the dishes have been put away, and she has performed that futile exercise called vacuuming, she will now indulge in a new form of entertainment. Initially, when I heard the name, I thought it was for OUR entertainment. I thought it was a movie series just for us canines. I thought I heard her say PETflix. But no. It is something called NETflix. I gather this is not a new “thing” but her highness is sometimes slow to catch on to trends. She just got a Walkman last week too. I jest. It was three weeks ago.

I think the whole extortion topic today came about because she watched some movie called The Irishman yesterday. I thought it was about Bono. Or Irish wolfhounds. But no. It was a mafia movie. About an Irish guy. Played by an Italian actor. How rather puzzling. But she managed to watch the whole thing without falling asleep. So it must be good. Mind you, it starred not a single dog.

During these snow filled days, in addition to watching films, she rarely moves. And when she does, it is because one of us is bored. And one of us in particular starts squeaking.

She puts on her outerwear again and takes us out. The resulting hair style continues to get even MORE interesting. If she herself requires a bathroom break, I wait for the opportune time to begin barking. Imagine her horror that SOMEONE has arrived and will actually see her in her uniform with her bat head. It’s a fun little joke.

So there you have it. The picture of slothenly beauty. I just made up that word. But you get the picture.

I suppose now that I have revealed her secret, I can no longer use that as a way to extort her. You all have an image in your mind of how she looks. And while she would definitely not win any beauty pageant awards for her “at home” look, I might as well confess that we don’t REALLY mind her appearance. To us, she looks just fine. Quite lovely in fact. Because truth be told – we canines can steal a line from Bruno Mars and we love you “just the way you are.”

Maybe I can extort her about her closets…

Have a good one. Peace and paws up.