Viktorsviews. The Next Chapter.

A new creature…

May 15, 2015Leave a Comment

So it was a quiet foggy morning. We headed out with our human at 5:15AM for our morning walk. It was still dark, but beginning to get bright. It was peaceful, and calm. The birds were singing. There was no wind. You could hear the dripping of water from the trees from the rain the night before. And then the serenity of the morning was abruptly broken. By two PONs. Who spotted SOMETHING up the driveway about 50 feet away. And the barking, squeaking, moaning, SCREAMING could be heard for MILES. And WHAT caused the furor? A squirrel? Fox? Bird? Deer? Leaf? No. Something a bit more ominous. A porcupine. Lumbering up the driveway.

My human had to hold on to us with all her might. We had never actually SEEN one before – and it’s NOT an animal my human WANTS us to meet. So she waited while we howled and screamed (while our neighbors no doubt cursed the sound of us) and the porcupine disappeared into the woods. All the time, my human kept futilely saying in a loud whisper “QUIET. QUIET.” Seriously. We then proceeded up the driveway. It was funny though – when we passed the spot where he had been, we didn’t even care. Usually our noses are stuck to the ground, sniffing the trail of a bunny or fox. But honestly, we didn’t REALLY care. He was gone. At least for now.

But since my human spotted the porky, she is going to be extra cautious at night when we go out for our pee. No more off-leash runs in the dark. She tells us that porky quills in the face are NOT fun – and she doesn’t want us to experience it. It doesn’t sound all that appealing to me – I’ll stick with my bunnies and birds and foxes. Although I’m still not exactly sure WHAT I’ll do with them…

Paws for News

May 14, 2015Leave a Comment

Time for a quick review of the news. First off – today May 14 is Mark Zuckerburg’s birthday. Don’t know the name? You should if you’re reading this blog via Facebook – he’s the founder of Facebook. Do you remember life BFB? Before Facebook. I hear people used to do things like read a book. Or go for a walk. They would call their friends to find out what is new. And they printed pictures of their travels to show to people at parties and gatherings. They read the newspaper and watched the news on TV to find out what was happening in the world. And if they “counted” their friends they would generally have a dozen or two. Not hundreds. Or thousands. It all sounds very primitive to me. Or maybe a better word is simple…Mind you, simple CAN be good. But Facebook has really “connected” the world. You can find crazy PON people EVERYWHERE – just with the click. It’s very cool. And I can see that I’m not the ONLY bad PON in the world. As my human would often make me believe.

In other news…remember that self-driving car? Well. It seems that Google has just announced that their self-driving vehicles have been involved in “11 minor accidents” since they were launched. Just a SMALL detail that wasn’t emphasized before. So forget my request for that self-driving vehicle to go to the pet store. I’ll wait until they perfect it a bit. Maybe I could ride on a large drone…

And the really “BIG” news. A deflated football. Seriously people. We dogs deflate balls ALL the time. WHO cares?! You humans. You sometimes really need to THINK about WHAT is news. And what is a priority. We need more DOG stories!!!

OK. That’s my review for today. Excuse me while I go and try to make my own news! Have a great one!

A human meal

May 13, 2015Leave a Comment

So since the other day was Eat What You Want Day, I started thinking what kind of food we would like if we were human. I mean, as you know, we canines will eat practically anything you give us. Frodo and I are not WILD about leafy greens – but we WILL eat them. But IF we were human – what would our meal preferences be? This is what I imagine….

Frodo (who I like to call “the Professor”) – I picture that his preferred meal of choice would be a chicken breast stuffed with brie. Accompanied by rosemary roasted potatoes and grilled asparagus wrapped in prosciutto. And of course, Frodo would enjoy a glass of Pinot Grigio with HIS meal. Yup. That’s Frodo.

Paxton – this is simple. “Bubba” would LOVE a big bowl of chili. And a beer. And something BIG and chocolate for dessert.

Moi? The “Polish Prince” would of course enjoy a meal starting with a big bowl of beet borscht, and then some cabbage rolls (golabki), some pierogi and of course kielbasa. And for beverage? Ah – just give me a good shot of vodka.

I doubt my human would pick what WE usually have for our meals. We do get fruits and veggies – but I’m thinking our kibble would not be her favorite. Mind you – one day she was at a dog show – and they were having a special buffet during lunch for some occasion. At the end of the table were these plates of “cookies”. She of course was so busy chatting (is THAT a surprise?!) that she had a cookie. And wondered why it tasted rather bland. And dry. Yup – you guessed it. The cookies were for the dogs. Good one!

Well I must go on fox and bunny patrol. And later I’ll take a look at some of those 1000 cookbooks that my human has. But never uses. Just in case she allows me to cook. Have a good one!

Eat What You Want Day

May 10, 2015Leave a Comment

May 11. OK. This has to be THE BEST “holiday” EVER. Today is “Eat What you Want Day“. Honestly. Is this NOT a dream come TRUE for a PON? Actually – for most dogs – but especially us PONs.

I have to let my human know about today. It’s important. Oh where to begin…the treat jar on the counter. Those bananas sitting on the shelf. Obviously the 40 lb bag of dog food in the garage. Frodo likes the fridge. He never misses an opportunity to stick his head in there and survey the buffet options. What would we pick from in there? Bread. Apples. Chicken. Carrots. We will eat the lettuce and the spinach. If we HAVE to. Actually I prefer to chew them and then spit them out on the floor. Or on Frodo’s back.

Since it IS a special day, I am assuming we can also eat those things that my human shouts “NOOOOOOOO” about. Like the neighbor’s cat’s poop. I doubt Paxton will be allowed to eat socks and gloves – she may draw the line there.

What a day. It’s unbelievable. And tomorrow? I imagine it will be National Clean Up Messy Poop Day. But I’ll leave THAT to my human…

Arrivals

May 10, 2015Leave a Comment

Two arrivals this week…

First, the telltale signs were there…the house was being “overly” cleaned. Which meant one of two things. My human was going somewhere. Or someone was coming to visit. No suitcases in sight – so that meant COMPANY. And I was right! A good friend of my human’s arrived Friday. For the SUMMER!!! Time to PAR-TEEEEEEE. This friend spoils us R-O-T-T-E-N. I mean all we have to do is LOOK at him and he gives us a biscuit. He rolls around on the floor and plays with us. And yes. He is an adult. He feels badly for us when we undergo the torture of grooming. Which of course, we TOTALLY milk. We are SO adept at making THE most pitiful faces when we have to do anything we don’t like (like going out in the rain) and he totally supports us. He absolutely loves us. And to be truthful, I know he is here to visit US and not my human. But don’t tell her.

The other arrival…The FOXES have returned. I THOUGHT I heard them the other night. I started barking in the middle of the night. And then I smelled them the other morning. The problem now is that I want to BOLT out of the house in the morning when we go for our walk at 5 AM. I am OBSESSED with trying to knock down the screen door in the morning. My human has been training us to go out the door and sit to wait for a treat. Frodo complies very well. Me? It is VERY, VERY difficult. And honestly, after the treat, I still bolt to the end of the leash. And attempt to drag my human up the driveway. I haven’t yet SEEN the foxes – but Paxton saw one on his walk on the trail the other morning. My human spotted one ahead of them and when they came around a bend, he was sitting there waiting for them. Paxton got excited, but his brain doesn’t explode like mine does, so my human could easily control him. My human DREADS the day when I actually SPOT one…

Company and foxes. Can life get any better? I’ve already done my fox patrol for the morning so now, please excuse me while I go and practice my pitiful looks….Yes. Life is good.

Oh but before I close – and I must not forget – today is Mother’s Day in North America. Happy Mother’s Day today – to humans AND canines. I didn’t send my canine mother a card – but I’m CERTAIN she must read my blog! Have a fabulous day – from your favorite son.

National Lost Sock Memorial Day

May 9, 2015Leave a Comment

Today, May 9 is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. Seriously. I couldn’t make this one up.

Now you humans know all about the phenomenon of lost socks. It happens all the time. It is kind of like magic. They just disappear. Somewhere. You start out with a pair. You go to do laundry. And poof. One is gone. To sock heaven.

But in our household, lost socks could have a much less mysterious reason for their disappearance. It’s called Paxton. The Bernese Sock Monster. Any time my human does laundry, she does a careful pre-wash and then post-wash count. Paxton has been one of several Bernese she has owned who likes to eat inedible objects. You may recall that Paxton ate my human’s sling from her broken arm last winter. Another Bernese she owned ate socks. And mittens. And one time, a BUNCH of stuff. That time he had to have surgery. When the Vet showed my human the bag of “stuff” after the surgery, my human asked if it was a record. He said “yes”. She asked if there was a prize – of a free surgery. No such luck.

Last year, before the sling incident, Paxton managed to get a hold of 3 pairs of leather gloves. And yours truly was with him. We broke into a closet. My human discovered the carnage quickly and decided she could do only one thing. Get the gloves back. The proper dosage of hydrogen peroxide will usually help in “returning” the lost clothing. Sure enough. One dose, and Paxton became the canine gumball machine – spitting out those gloves. Yours truly sadly suffered from guilt by association – but the contents of MY stomach was free of any remnants. Frodo didn’t undergo the purging – he’s too good to eat inedibles.

Given the record of eating inedibles in this house, it sounds like my human isn’t diligent when it comes to guarding things. Let me assure you. She IS. And if a sock disappears, like they normally do in most households, she will search for days. And things are NOT routinely accessible to us. But all it takes is a pair of gloves on a counter- left there for a minute. Or a dropped sock on the way to the laundry…

Today we take a moment to remember all those lost items. And we hope, that if they disappeared with the help of a canine…that they WILL one day reappear. If you know what I mean…

Viktor. Financial Planner.

May 8, 2015Leave a Comment

So the other day, my human went to see her “Financial Planner” at the bank. These are the people who supposedly know how to make money. But I don’t get it. If they are SO good at making money, why do they have to work?

Anyway it got me thinking that I could be a good financial planner. And frankly, I think I have a number of ways that humans COULD save money. There are LOADS of things that honestly, you humans just don’t need to spend money on. Here are a few:

Teeth whitening strips. Seriously people. You stick cellophane on your teeth and think it is doing something. It’s not. Trust me. But you THINK it works – so you do it. My advice? Save your money and chew a bone. Works for us dogs.

Jewelry. Another money waster. Buy ONE nice collar – something neutral so it goes with a lot of apparel – and that’s good enough.

Blow dryers. Well you KNOW my opinion about baths in general. I’m all about saving water. But if you MUST take a bath or shower, do like Taylor Swift says and “Shake it off.” That’s what we canines do.

Forks. OK humans. You have an advantage over us. You have hands. So just PICK UP your food. Why bother with the whole fork thing? Now I understand the spoons for things like soup – but really – you COULD just tip the bowl.

Dishwashers. Just give the dirty plates to us. We will be QUITE happy to clean them for you. Another cost cutter.

Paper shredders. Honestly this is ANOTHER one to get rid of. Give the papers to us. We will make mincemeat of them. Easy.

Toilet paper. Why do you think God made leaves? THINK of the money you will save on this one!

These are just a FEW I have quickly observed. Stay tuned for more cost saving tips from your new Financial Planner. Viktor. The PON.

Listen to me

May 7, 2015Leave a Comment

As I mentioned the other day, we have been going a LITTLE crazy with our barking at the bunnies. OK. I have been.

So when I started barking when my human was in the shower the other morning – and all of us joined in the chorus, my human was not overly surprised. We especially like to bark when she is in the shower. When it happens, she’s not sure if it’s a bunny alert – or if someone has actually arrived at our door. But the other day it wasn’t a bunny alert. It was a delivery. A propane delivery.

By the time my human got out of the shower, and got dressed, the intruder was gone. She found the propane bill on the door and continued to get ready for work. She bid us her good-byes while we gave her the daily “we are so sad look” and she got in the car to drive off. It was then that she saw WHY we were barking. We were telling her what the delivery guy had done. He had destroyed our driveway. Seriously.

Remember the luge run we had this winter – when our driveway was full of ice. Well of course it has FINALLY melted. BUT the ground under the pavement is still soft. Enter one very heavy propane truck and well, it looks like someone took a wrecking ball and dropped it all along the driveway. MANY times. For more than 150 feet of the driveway. It is a disaster.

So. We have a big project ahead. I think Frodo should go out and dig all the pavement up. He’s the digger in the bunch. And Paxton can haul it all away. I’ll supervise. Alternatively, our human can hire a company to do the work – and I’ll still supervise. And I will be sure to alert her if they are not doing a good job. And this time, maybe she’ll listen to me!

Icky bum

May 6, 2015Leave a Comment

OK. Warning. This story is a bit graphic. So if you are eating, read it later…It’s a poopy tale. Or is it a poopy tail? I guess it is both. Literally.

So on Saturday AND Sunday I got to go for a run with my buddy Jackson, from up the road. And yes, I took off on Saturday. And guess what?! I did it again on Sunday. In the same area. Shoulda put me on a leash. But I DID eventually come back again.

So on Monday morning, my human agreed to meet our neighbor again – before work, for another run. Her schedule was flexible on Monday – but that’s the LAST flexible day for a few weeks. She’s entering a “busy” time at work. Or so she tells me. Suuuuuure she is. Anyway, since my human knew she didn’t have a lot of time to chase me IF I took off, she decided to take the “good” dog. Yup. She took FRODO. Paxton and I had a long walk first, and then FRODO got to meet MY buddy.

So off they go. My human, the neighbor, Jackson and Frodo. Just as they are about to start their run – and my human is about to take Frodo off his leash, he decides to poop. And Jackson decides he needs to check it out. At which point, Mr. Modesty – who usually poops in the MIDDLE of the road, stops pooping. But it’s clear he needs to go. So when Jackson walks away, he attempts again. But, for SOME reason, he can’t go. Probably with everyone watching him, he can’t poop. And he won’t walk. And he’s squatting. And squeaking. At which point, my human decides to take a look to see what’s going on. Let’s just say, he needed some help. Which rarely happens to him. And my human’s “help” resulted in what we call “icky bum.” After the assistance, he was ready and raring to run. Icky bum and all. But now my human figured she would have to cut the hour-long walk short – as Mr. Icky Bum was going to require some bathing when he got home. They agree to cut the route short. So they are racing around and then – are you ready for this – Mr. “Good Dog Icky Bum” TOOK off – in the SAME area I had disappeared. Seriously. He had not been there in MONTHS – but he remembered. And when he emerged, he not only had an icky bum, but it was now full of dirt and sticks too!!! Lovely. And the sun was shining. And the birds were chirping. And he was happy. But my human? Not so much.

So “poor” Frodo needed a bath when he got home. Tee-hee. And my human had to rush like CRAZY to get ready for work.

That’s what she gets for taking Frodo instead of me. Just sayin’.

Cartoonists Day

May 5, 2015Leave a Comment

May 5. Cartoonists Day. The people who make us laugh, think, and sometimes even cry. When I think of cartoons, I of course think of famous dog cartoons. Probably one of the most famous is that crazy Beagle, Snoopy. Who likes to sleep ON TOP of his dog house. He’s pretty well known.

But there are others – and other breeds represented in the funnies. Here are just a few…We have Marmaduke, the Great Dane; Mickey Mouse’s dog, Pluto who is probably a Bloodhound – or SOME kind of hound; Goofy another Disney hound dog; Scooby-Doo – another Great Dane; Mr. Peabody, another Beagle; Garfield the cat’s friend, Odie who looks like another hound…hey WAIT a minute. There are like hundreds of dog breeds in the world – and when you look at these cartoons – we seem to have more hounds than anything! And just WHY is that? Are hounds funnier than the rest of us canines? Now there WAS a famous Old English Sheepdog, Farley who appeared in a Canadian cartoon called For Better or for Worse. When the cartoonist killed off Farley in the story, people went crazy. Everybody was sad.

But of course, we do not YET have a cartoon with a PON. I’ll have to get my human working on it. As if she doesn’t have enough to do. And what will the character’s name be? Do you REALLY need to ask?! Viktor the Victorious.

Oh. And speaking of names. Will and Kate didn’t pick Viktoria. Oh well. But I hear it WAS in the running. And they DID make a good choice. Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Which meets the obligatory name recycling tradition. And I must confess, it is pretty. Even if it isn’t Viktoria.