frodopon

Dog products – not for us.

November 8, 2014Leave a Comment

Well. The adventures in the DFZ continue. Our human was getting ready to go to work the other morning– and instead of stair racing while she was in the shower, Frodo moved the baby gate and we made ourselves VERY comfy in the DFZ. As we know, he has done before. But THIS time, I went along. I really like that wingback chair. But of course, once our human emerged from the shower it was good-bye DFZ. Don’t worry, we’ll be back….

On another note, I DO think we very are lucky. Our human is always interested in finding new and exiting dog products for us. She is an expert on-line shopper. She looks for cool retrieving toys (since we wear them out), all kinds of grooming stuff, collars and leashes – AND of course, the dreaded apparel. We know how Frodo feels about that!

But the other day she found a site that had a variety of things that made her laugh out loud. She could just IMAGINE what would happen if she bought any of the following products for us:

· A treat dispenser that shoots out treats like a gun. Picture that one. I mean REALLY picture that one. Treats bouncing everywhere – because none of us have a particularly good “catch” reflex for treats. And everything bounces off Paxton’s nose. And if we can’t catch something, and it hits the floor – it’s every dog for himself. It would be TOTAL PONdemonium if we got one of those.

· A food dish with an automatic motion sensor. So I guess the pet gets near the bowl – and voila – a door opens and the food is there. I guess it would somehow protect food for those pets who don’t eat everything at once. That sure as heck is not ANYBODY in this household. The door would open, we would eat everything, and then we would carry it away to see if there was any more food inside. And then Paxton would destroy it.

· Those automatic water cooler gizmos that dispense fresh water. It’s attached to a bowl. In our house, that would last all of minute. There would be a small flood. Everywhere.

· Pet sunglasses. We don’t keep elastics in our hair – how long do you think we would wear sunglasses?!

· A smartphone app that allows you to interact with your pet remotely – and will also dispense treats. Holy moly. Picture THAT. First off – we would try to destroy the thing the MOMENT it was put on the floor. If there were treats in it, we WOULD find a way to get them out. And seriously, who has an “extra” smartphone lying around that can be used by the canines in the household?! Even IF our human managed to set it up securely and she appeared on the video screen to say “hello” – do you think we would listen to her? We don’t do that when we are face to face!

Now I must say, our human has been VERY curious about some cool “interactive” dog toys that are made in Europe. Her only fear is that we will destroy them too quickly and not have the patience to try and find the hidden treats. But she keeps looking at them on-line – she IS interested….Maybe for Christmas. In fact, I think I’ll put them on the list! Three of them. We DO have to be fair.

Obedience. And acting.

November 7, 2014Leave a Comment

So today, let’s talk about obedience training…

My human has calculated that she has probably spent enough money on obedience classes to send three kids to university. Well… That MIGHT be a BIT of an exaggeration – just two kids. For those who don’t know – when Frodo steps in the obedience or rally ring with my human to compete, he looks pretty darn impressive. Heck, I even got my first Rally obedience title this year in one weekend – with 2 out of 3 high in class finishes. But I’m here to tell you – it’s all an act.

You know how you see the actors like Tobey Maguire playing Superman and Michael Keaton playing Batman…well – those guys REALLY can’t fly or fight superheroes in real life. They are actors. And when it comes to obedience…Frodo and I are actors. Put us in a competition ring and we LOOK like we are well behaved and obedient. We are attentive to our human. We heel around the ring like we are glued to her pant leg. We stare at her longingly – like there is no one else in the world we would rather be with….The judges even comment what a GREAT breed we are. But it’s all an act.

Let me tell you about real life obedience and real life heeling…

When we walk down our dead end country road, in the dark in the morning, with our human wearing her headlamp, if we smell or hear anything out of the ordinary, the word “heel” disappears from our vocabulary. And we are smart enough to know the laws of physics and that if we BOTH pull at the same time – when we are walking REALLY fast, we can cause a sudden release of our leashes – because our human would rather not succumb to the laws of gravity. Now the “leash release” doesn’t happen very often – as our human IS smart enough to see when we are beginning to walk quickly – and she KNOWS what we are trying to do. In most instances, she’ll pull out the ammunition – a ready supply of treats in her coat pocket. That will usually slow us down.

On some days, if there is nothing particularly interesting, and we don’t feel like pulling, we’ll try another exercise. Voluntary heeling. We get in close – just like we would in obedience competitions – and heel like we are trying for a very high score. And we’ll even jockey for position – to see who can get in closer. This move will often cause our human to almost trip and fall as well. It’s a passive aggressive form of heeling. We LOOK like we’re being good…but it’s another act. Once our human indicates she won’t give us a treat, we give up.

And of course our last type of heeling is on rainy days. The sack-of-potatoes heeling. This is where our human walks, and we drag behind her. It is our least favorite type.

I think our human would have been better off spending the money for those obedience classes on more tasty treats for us. I certainly know that if she were wearing a sirloin steak around her neck during our morning walks, I would be VERY well behaved. My goodness, it certainly is challenging training you humans.

Oh but before I close – here’s a video of Frodo doing rally obedience. Good thing he didn’t lose too many points for barking…My favorite part is when he and my human do the sidestep. I must admit, my brother is pretty cool – even when he is putting on an act!

A sticky situation.

November 6, 20141 Comment

I’m not afraid of many things. I’ve even gotten over my “mistrust” of baby gates in the past two weeks. I don’t mind vacuum cleaners, or blow dryers. But there are two things that I fear. And just the sight of them make me run. The squirt gun. And the lint roller. Yes. The lint roller.

I think it’s pretty obvious why I don’t like the squirt gun. My human had the bright idea to get one this summer – when she thought that our crack-of-dawn barking might be a nuisance to the neighbors. Well not OUR barking. Frodo’s barking. And it also serves the purpose of stopping riotous behavior when we are running wildly around the yard when she gets home from work. Sort of. Anyway – all she needs to do it squirt us in the butt, and we are much more attentive and less crazy. For a few seconds.

As for the lint roller… Well that is actually pretty funny. At least our human thinks it’s funny. One day, on her way out the door to work, she was using one of the many lint rollers located throughout every room the house. Well, that’s a BIT of an exaggeration – we don’t EXACTLY have one in EVERY room. Almost every room. Anyway, she was rolling away – and Pax went to see what she was doing. She held it out and let him sniff it. And he put his nose on it. And he didn’t like the sticky feeling – so he JUMPED back. And we saw him. So of course we had to see too. And our human held it out – and just like Pax – we touched it and jumped back. So now when our human brings one out – all she has to do is simply hold it up – and we leap backward like we have been hit by an electrical current. Frodo doesn’t really do the “leap” – he just turns and walks away. But Pax and I – it’s definitely a leap.

So in our house – to command attention – all you need is a squirt gun – or something more powerful yet – a lint roller. Actually, I’m not all that fond of scotch tape either…

Stair racing.

November 5, 2014Leave a Comment

Stair racing. It could be an Olympic sport. We canines, in our house, LOVE it. Our human on the other hand, does NOT love it.

Whenever we see that our human is about to go downstairs to the rec room (the room that has all kinds of things piled on the sofas so that we don’t steal the cushions), it is absolute PONdemonium to see who can get downstairs FIRST. Besides the racing, there is uproarious barking. We literally FLY to the landing – and then race to the bottom. My goal in stair racing is to get down FIRST and then attempt to attack the others. That’s the rule in stair racing. And why do we do it? We don’t know. We just do it. I call it “being joyful”.

We generally stair race when a human is attempting to go DOWN the stairs or up – but up is not nearly as much fun. Our human lets us go down first – as she doesn’t have a death wish. OR sometimes she will bring out the squirt gun – and for some reason, we all go down the stairs quite civilly when we see that.

Yesterday, we decided (all three of us) to totally torment our human. OK. Confession. It WAS my idea. We waited until she went into the bathroom to take her shower. We figured she was juuuuuuust about to step in. So we began. Stair racing. Full out. Then when we got downstairs, we continued the barking. Frodo led that portion. Then we raced back up. And back down. And we kept on barking. The next thing we hear the bathroom door open and plod plod, plod, here comes our human down the stairs. We all just look at her. “What’s GOING ON????” she says. We silently look at one another. She heads back upstairs – and we stair race ahead of her.

I REALLY, REALLY wanted to do it again. But the other guys weren’t in. Party poopers. Frodo just continued intermittent barking on his own while our human was in the shower.

Don’t we just LOVE to start our human’s day in a joyful way?!

Never laugh at us…

November 4, 2014Leave a Comment

Never laugh at us. Seriously. It just eggs us on….

OK, so I have now been allowed in the DFZ (“dog free zone”) – when my human is in there. Yesterday morning, she went in to get her laptop -before she was going to work. So Frodo and I followed her through the gate and made ourselves at home. She unplugged her laptop and said “OK boys – you need to get out of here.” You see – being in the DFZ when she is around is one thing – being in there on our own – well – the temptation to sample pillows and hooked rugs MAY be a bit too much.

So Frodo follows her out. Not me. I just stay on the hooked rug in front of the fireplace. Like I am posing for a calendar page. And I stare. So my human says, “Viktor – come on – let’s go.” And I stay there and stare. Like I am in a trance and can’t move. Of course I CAN move – but I LIKE it here. Now my human says louder “VIKTOR – let’s go.” And I stay there and stare. Now my human comes over and takes me by the collar. And I go limp. At which point SHE makes the supreme error. She laughs. “Come ON Viktor,” she says – and tries to lift my body under my front legs. And I REALLY go limp. At which point SHE laughs more. So now we have this laughing woman (ready for work, dressed in a black dress– which is just a TOTAL dog hair magnet) tugging at this limp 50 lb dog whose back legs will NOT support him – even as she tries to stand him up.

After several minutes of laughing and tugging – she FINALLY gets serious – as she is going to be late for work. “OK. Enough.” she says. At which point I happily stand up, shake myself off – and RACE out of the DFZ.

Moral of the story: never laugh at us. Or you WILL suffer the consequences : ) Ah… the joys of training humans.

PON -1. Human – 0.

November 3, 20141 Comment

OK. You are NOT going to believe this! Remember my blog about the “dog free zone” and the baby gate? And how Frodo was allowed in when our human was in there? Well GUESS what?! I was allowed IN the other night. IF I promised to behave – no getting on the furniture, no racing around, no chewing pillows or rugs…Basically I had to act like I was dead. It took everything in my power to STAY calm. And it worked. I was good. I lay down and even fell asleep.

The next night, I was a bit “over the top” so my visit was not long. Jumping up and down on the couch was not a bright idea.

What’s IRONIC is that my human THINKS she is training me. Bwhahahahaha. Trust me – it’s the other way around. Remember – give us an inch. The photo you see is me on one of the wingback chairs in the “dog free zone.” So much for the “no getting on the furniture” rule. Broken. Already. Score: PON – 1. Human -0.

Next mission: get Paxton IN. And we WILL. Might as well get rid of that baby gate – we’re taking over. But then we always WERE in charge…

Pooping in the rain. Or not.

November 2, 2014Leave a Comment

Well we know that Frodo does NOT like the rain – and he has told me that I should not like rain either – so I don’t. The truth be told, I REALLY don’t mind the rain – but he IS my older brother so I do as he does. But not everything that he does…

We have already talked previously about our “funeral march” in the rain – and we have talked about pooping. Today we’ll talk about both. Pooping in the rain. Because Frodo will not do it.

Yesterday morning we allowed our human to sleep in until 6:45 – because it was Saturday. Pretty generous of us, I’d say. Anyway, we were all ready to go out, our human opened the door – and it was raining. So she went to get the dreaded raincoats. Now we all know I don’t mind mine – but Frodo is NOT fond of his ill-fitting, 70’s style plaid coat. Actually the words “not fond of” are putting it lightly. He hates it. But my human managed to put it on him anyway. She opened the front door – and normally we bound out. Not Frodo. He quickly sat down as close to the door as he could – so he wouldn’t get wet. Personally, I thought it was a BIT dramatic – it wasn’t raining THAT hard.

But my human is not deterred by such behavior. We had a mission – our morning walk. And our morning poop. I wasn’t thrilled with the rain, but I know the drill so I make the most of it. There’s still lots to smell and see, so I’m fine with the walk. And I’m happy to poop as I normally do. No big deal.

Not Frodo. He REALLY walks like someone has just murdered his best friend. On a nice day – we are walking out ahead of our human. Often pulling. Yesterday, Frodo was paces behind our human. We walked all the way down the road. Slowly. VERY slowly. And Frodo would not poop. We walked back home. And Frodo would not poop. As I already explained in a previous blog about pooping – you humans are kind of obsessed with our poop. You know when we go, where we go and watch for how we go. So my human KNEW that Frodo needed to poop – as he hadn’t gone since the previous morning. And he goes EVERY morning. BUT – it was raining. And Frodo does not poop in the rain. And my human can’t figure out if it is REALLY the rain – or the raincoat. She has been known to pull off the raincoat – just to see if that will work. Sometimes it does. And sometimes I doesn’t. It kind of drives her crazy. She must have said “Hurry up” a hundred times – and Frodo just looked at her with contempt. So back we go – up the road again.

On rainy days, we don’t take the wooded trail on our walk – as it is too muddy. But my human figured we were already pretty wet – even WITH the coats on – so what’s a little mud added to the mix? I was thrilled as I DO like the trail – even in the rain. Frodo was furious. I mean we not only have rain – BUT now we also we have muddy PUDDLES. About 10 seconds into the trail, Frodo stopped and pooped. You would have though our human just won the lottery. Frodo completely ignored her – it was as if he had been defeated in his poop-holding mission.

Frodo figured we would now get to go home – but little did he know our human was going to continue on the trail as it loops back to the house. Frodo wanted to go back via the road – as there are no puddles on the road. He TOTALLY put on the brakes when he realized what route she had chosen.

Long story short – our human won the battle – this time. Frodo pooped and we completed the muddy route. Then when we got home, our human got to do it all again – with Paxton. But remember – he’s the “Power Pooper” – so despite the rain, that was a very easy walk.

By the time our human finished the two walks, and dried us off, she sighed that half the morning was gone! And Frodo was still grumbling about the whole fiasco. Personally, I thought the whole thing was pretty funny. Oh, don’t we canines make life interesting?!!!

Turn the clock back?

November 1, 2014Leave a Comment

Well well. Another interesting human idea. Tonight we go to bed – and before we do, our human will turn back the clock. Which MEANS she is going to TRY and get an extra hour of sleep tomorrow. Not if we can help it.

Do you REALLY think that we are going to lounge around for an extra hour?! We have things to do! There will be an extra hour to play fetch. And to chew our bones. And maybe since the day will be longer, we can get an extra treat break. Heck, I think a whole extra MEAL should be in order – we will be hungrier with a LONGER day. I think an additional walk should also be in order. I do NOT think however, that the extra time should be spent in grooming. I’m pretty sure that in the new “dog rules” I have been working on, that additional daylight hours include extra grooming.

I’m pretty excited about this whole process. Maybe we can even go on a trip! England? Greece? Well, I SUPPOSE that is stretching the extra time a bit – maybe a ride to the grocery store.

Maybe this time change thing will work out OK. But WAAAAAAAIIIIIIT a minute. Does that mean it is going to get darker, earlier?! How will I see where my toys are when we are retrieving – and it is dark out?! Hmmmmmm…….It looks like we will be having countless nights of indoor “Find the Bunny” ahead of us…

Happy Halloween!

October 31, 20141 Comment

Happy Halloween! I let Frodo be the main picture today – since he looks so cute. You can scroll down to see me. Frodo did the photo under duress. Well not REALLY duress – but with the promise of biscuits. Humans love to dress up us canines for Halloween. As if we care.

Anyway, it’s here. The day when we anxiously await the costume clad trick-or-treaters – who never arrive. But not to worry – we have PLENTY of treats JUST IN CASE someone does come.

So why don’t we get any treaters? Well, it could be because we live on a dead end country road. And our driveway is so long – you can’t see the house from the road. So combine a long, dark driveway with our riotous barking – and well, our property is like something out of a scene from Hound of the Baskervilles. Add to that two pumpkins which our human purchased too early in the season – and are now beginning to rot and have taken on a whole new shape – and you have a pretty scary house. If I were a kid, I wouldn’t come here.

Occasionally we DO get kids whose parents drive them down our driveway to the house. And then we have to be sequestered while our human doles out the treats. We used to wear cute bandanas while we waited – but then Paxton and I tried to rip them off each other – so now our costume wearing is limited to a few obligatory photos before Halloween.

Our human continues to buy the treats – as I said – just in case. Of course she buys things SHE likes. I don’t see her buying dog treats. Or candy she DOESN’T like. Then she’ll complain that she has eaten them all – and her pants are fitting too tightly. Humans.

Anyway, it IS a fun day for kids. And there are no doubt some adults who also enjoy the day – either eating the leftover treats – or stealing from their kids. We canines just observe the whole ritual and remind our humans that THEY always say it’s not polite to beg. Tsk. Tsk. Anyway. Gotta go try on my mask. This year, I’m actually dressing as a human. Pretty scary!

Goodboy. Not.

October 29, 2014Leave a Comment

Well. I hate to admit it…but I didn’t live up to my new name of “Goodboy” yesterday…

So. My human got home and let us out for a quick pee before supper. During that daily ritual, we all EXPLODE out the door – in a riotous FIT of barking. Why? We don’t know. We just do it.

After peeing, we RACE back in the house because we know we will be fed. Yesterday, we relaxed for a bit after eating and then our human announced that we were all going to go for a run around the back perimeter of our property, which is a couple of acres. Except Pax. He had to stay on a leash because my human didn’t want him going in the lake. No worries about Frodo and I doing that.

So off we all went. Our human wanted us to get some exercise because she had to go to a “kennel club” meeting last night. Don’t get me started about that. What’s with this thing of having a KENNEL CLUB meeting – and dogs don’t attend?! SERIOUSLY? I want representation at these meetings. Really. Who do I see about this?

Anyway, back to the story.

So we all had a great run around and we were headed back to the house. And, well…that’s when I decided to take a detour. Into the woods.

My human and Pax and Frodo continued back to the house. My human called my name – and then, instead of one of my nicknames, called out other options: “Treats!!!” “Biscuits!!!” I heard her – but I knew her pockets were empty. Really humans – why do you try that one? You can’t fool us. So I continued to look for rabbits, foxes, and any kind of poop that any animals may have left behind.

When my human and the boys got back to the house, my human told Frodo to go and find me. He just looked at her and said “Seriously? You’re kidding, of course. If he’s lost, it’s HIS problem – and our gain. More food for us.” Paxton just stood and looked into the woods.

So there they are. Frodo, Paxton and my human, waiting near the house. Silently. For my human it felt like 10 minutes, but in all honestly it was more like two. Suddenly they can hear crashing in the bushes. And I come FLYING around the corner of the house. At which point both Frodo AND Pax try to take me out – they were both giving me grief for taking my detour. I did the “drop and roll” routine and then continued with zoomies all around the front yard of the house. And Frodo and I had a couple of “good natured” rolls and some wrestling – I was trying to make up for getting him mad. You can see that in the photo –he is leaning away – as he knows I am about to pounce on him again.

So I guess I may not be able to use that “Goodboy” name after all. I guess it REALLY doesn’t suit me. How about “Badboy?”. More like it. Actually, I kinda like the sound of that one my human used tonight – Biscuits. Yeah. That has a nice ring…. But what would the nicknames be? Bis? Bikkie? Biscuit Man-is-kit. Maybe I’ll just stick with Viktor. For now.