Viktorsviews. The Next Chapter.

Christmas photos…Falalalala…NOT

December 8, 2014Leave a Comment

The obligatory Christmas photos. That time of year when humans torture us as payback for anything bad we have done all year – by making us wear Santa hats – or God forbid, those dreaded antlers.

Well, my human is just like the rest. She dashed off to the Dollar store yesterday and found the blasted antlers. The photo you see is one of 42,000 shots taken. She also bought these red collars with white balls hanging along the edges. And that’s a joke too. I think that the people who manufacture stuff for the Dollar Store have a lopsided view of dog sizes. I mean really. A size LARGE at the Dollar Store is for a fat chihuahua. So just TRY and put one of those stretchy red collars around Paxton’s neck. The poor guy could hardly breathe throughout the photo shoot. And then you couldn’t even SEE the collars on us. Money WELL spent. Not.

The ONLY way our human got ANY shots was to carry a couple of pieces of meat with her. That kept us somewhat interested in the whole fiasco. What was funny was that Frodo, aka “Mr. Serious,” got right into the whole thing. He didn’t mind the antlers much at all. Paxton and I – well – both of us just wanted to rip them off each other – and below is a shot of Paxton doing just that. At the end of the photo shoot- which I might add – WE put an end to, I got a hold of one of the antlers and took off with it. I growled at anyone who tried to take it from me. I wanted to destroy it – so there was no chance my human would try this again – with a different backdrop!

I must admit, we DID manage to get a couple of cute one-on-one photos of Frodo and me – which I’ll be sharing later. Paxton? He HATES the indignity of the whole staged photo thing – so all the shots of him are not great. He looks like he just realized Santa isn’t real.

I have no doubt that our human is not through with the Christmas photos yet. And we’ll tolerate them as best we can – because we DO want those presents. But DON’T expect us to smile…and beware – we WILL get back at you for this….

An unplanned bath.

December 7, 20142 Comments

A weekend morning. That generally signals an EXTRA long morning walk. And sometimes a run on the golf course. And yesterday was no exception. It was clear – no rain or snow and just a PERFECT morning for a walk.

In our usual morning routine, our human feeds us before we go out. But yesterday, she decided she would feed us when we got home – she figured it would be incentive for us to WANT to return home.

It was dark when we got her up – so she did a few things around the house to wait until it was light out. We were patiently waiting. Well two of us were patient. While our human was unloading the dishwasher, she heard what sounded like chewing. Chewing something hard. She looked, and saw Paxton chewing a Sharpie pen under the dining room table. She had NO idea how he got it. Little does she know, I gave it to him.

Anyway, while cleaning up the pen pieces, our human made a big decision – she was going to take ALL three of us for a run on the golf course. Which is no small fete. Usually we go two and one – but she was feeling “lucky” so she figured what the heck.

If we are going for a run – which means no leash – we all have to wear bells. So that she can hear us if we take off in the woods. And once WE hear those bells come out – all heck breaks loose. I mean we go CRAZY. Absolutely CRAZY. I’m sure you think you have a picture of the insanity – but trust me – it’s 100 times worse… I’m jumping straight up and down. And barking. And of COURSE, Frodo is non-stop barking. And we now have Paxton trained to bark too. And just TRY to get those bells on us. We also DO walk on leashes TO the course – so we also have to get those leashes on. Our human puts me and Frodo on a coupler – so she has one less leash to hold onto. By the time our human gets to the door to take us out, she is already exhausted.

So off we go. We are headed to the golf course. Which is NOT far. But of course, I’m dragging Frodo along all the way.

We reach the course and head down the first fairway. And our human stops to let us off leash. That again is a moment of insanity – because it’s like letting the bulls loose in Pamplona. LOOK out. Off we go. Yeeehaw.

We all take off. And we race around the first pond we come to. We all stop to sniff and race back around the pond to the route our human is taking. Well not all of us go around. Paxton seemed to think it would be faster to go THROUGH the pond. Which at this time of the year, is a muddy stagnant swamp. And down he goes. And he gets stuck down in the mud. And as our human goes to get him, he leaps out. His white ruff is now a dark brown. And he is wet. And as he runs past, our human can smell him. Even WE didn’t want to get near him!

So we continue our run. We raced along – having a blast. It was a PERFECT morning. We ran and ran. I just LOVE doing zoomies. The sun was completely coming up and the sky was a brilliant red. So our human went to take a picture with her phone. Which was NOT in her pocket. OK. She remembered putting it on the counter to take with us…BUT did she put it in her pocket? In the PONdemonium before we left, did she forget it?

So back we go along the same route we had taken – trying to retrace our path – in the event that the phone WAS lying somewhere in the grass.

Leashes went back on, but we were tired and HUNGRY enough that we were happy to go home. We pulled all the way home.

We got home, but before we could eat, our human wanted to quickly rinse Paxton off in the “dog tub”. She rinsed. And rinsed. And RINSED. And more and more brown gunk came off of him. She took him out of the tub and went to wipe him – and the towel was brown. Back he went in the tub. At which point, she figured she might as well give him his Christmas bath- a little early. The only problem – before he has a bath, it is important to brush him FIRST. But she couldn’t because he was already half WET. Long story short, his hair kept clogging the brown murky water in the tub – and what would normally be a quick bath turned into a marathon bath. And when she went to dry him with the jet engine dryer, hair went flying EVERYWHERE. All the time Frodo and I were rather impatiently waiting for our breakfast – watching the nuclear hair fallout.

So by 8:15 AM, we had all had a GREAT run, we had one clean Berner, a FILTHY tub and a garage/grooming area covered in dog hair and two PONs who were quite happy that THEY went AROUND the pond. Oh – and the phone was on the counter. A super start to the day- from our point of view!

Outsmarting…

December 5, 2014Leave a Comment

Many years ago, when my human first saw a PON at the Crufts Dog Show in England, she decided to learn more about us. She read about us, and two things that she remembers reading were that we were smart – and that we REMEMBER things very well. Which can be great…or can be a very deadly combination.

Frodo is the smartest PON I know. OK. He’s the only PON I know. And he IS my brother. But trust me, Frodo NEVER forgets anything. And not only does he remember things– but he THEN takes his knowledge of what he remembers and uses it. Which has my human afraid. Very afraid. She likes our Christmas dog tree – but she fears for its future…

You see, Frodo does NOT like to be sequestered in an area – or restricted from a certain area – like the DFZ. And he will do ANYTHING in his power to get out of an area – or into one. One time my human used SIX bungee cords to secure the gate on the dog run in the garage and when she returned home from an errand, all the bungee cords were chewed off, the door was still closed, and Paxton and I were in the run – but Frodo was waiting outside. I call him PONdini. We don’t use the dog run very much anymore. At least not with Frodo.

As we know, he has been getting into the DFZ for a month or so. And he quite likes it in there. He just pushes the gate aside and walks in – and I now follow him. For MONTHS he never touched that gate – but now it is no challenge. And if he wants in, he WILL get in. He remembers he was in – and he will figure out HOW to get in again.

Since the dead dog Christmas ornament incident, my human has made the DFZ totally off limits – because that’s where the dog tree is located. She has barricaded the entrance to the DFZ with not just one gate – but two. The gates lean against the entrance. But yesterday morning, as she was leaving for work, she saw Frodo silently staring into the DFZ. She got into the car, and then came BACK into the house to add another gate and some extra furniture as a blockade.

When she came home from work, she was relieved to see the fortress intact.

But she KNOWS Frodo – and she KNOWS that it is a matter of time before he breaks in. So she has tried a new plan. The entrance to the DFZ has two wooden pillars. So. She took bungee cords and secured the gate to the pillars. After she did that, she removed the other furniture that had formed the blockade. Now as we know, one gate is NO challenge for Frodo. But our human wanted to see what would happen now with the bungee cords. So like a hunter, our human sat silently waiting and pretended not to be watching him. The whole scene was actually rather comical. The two were trying to outsmart each other. And it was interesting…Frodo casually walked over to the single gate (which he usually moves away) – but simply looked at it. He didn’t even TRY to move it. He’s not stupid – he saw the bungee cords. My human watched him. Of course as SOON as he had walked over to the gate, I FLEW to his side, thinking he would get us in. But he just looked at the gate, looked at the cords and walked away.

So despite the fact that he didn’t TRY to get in, my human isn’t so sure about her great idea. SHE remembers the last bungee cord fiasco. I think it’s funny – she’s afraid that he’s smarter than her! But haven’t I been saying that all along?

We’ll see how this new plan works – I’m pushing Frodo to get us in. His response? “Patience little brother. Patience…”

Musical taste…

December 4, 2014Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about music. I don’t usually pay much attention to music – but there is ONE song that drives me crazy – that song by the Lumineers, Ho Hey. EVERY time that song plays – no matter WHAT I am doing – I HAVE to bark. There is something about those people shouting “Ho. Hey,” that just sets me off.

So this, of course, got my human wondering if dogs really DO listen to music. A quick search of the internet revealed that we DO seem to have a preference for certain types of music. In a study done in Ireland, a researcher found that if dogs listened to heavy metal music, they became more active and barked more. That would NOT be a good idea in this house! If dogs listened to classical music, they became more relaxed. Listening to pop music was no different than listening to no music at all. Clearly they didn’t use Ho Hey in the study.

Leave it to my human to then find a website that says they have created music to relax dogs. Obviously I would be the PERFECT guinea pig for this music. So she tried playing some of the music on the site. It was mostly classical type music with the sounds of waves and birds mixed in. I just looked at my human when she played it. And I kept staring at her – because she was staring at me. And we stared and stared. She was hoping that the music would put me to sleep – like one of the dogs seen in a video on the site. Guess what? It didn’t work for me. But are we REALLY surprised? Personally, I think they drugged those dogs to make them fall asleep. If it was that easy – to just play music to calm us – our human would be going out and buying a whole new stereo system. Now mind you, while she was trying this short experiment on me, Paxton WAS snoring and dead to the world. But then again, he’s not a PON…Actually, maybe we should try some polka music…and THEN let’s see what happens…

What did you do?

December 3, 20143 Comments

They have to be the top 2 silly questions that humans ask: “What did you do?” and “Who did this?” As puppies, we start hearing these lines when we have done something bad- that we clearly know we should not have done. Typically, in this house, they are said when someone has destroyed something. A toy. Some slippers. A rug. Mail. Chair rails. A dog bed…

Now some would argue that we should never be given the opportunity to DO something bad. Some say that’s what crates are for. And when we are little – that is usually the case. If our human can’t watch us when we are young– we are sequestered for our own protection and for the well being of the environment. But as we get older, our human begins to “trust” us – and crates, in this house anyway, are not used so much…and THAT’S when the fun begins.

As we know, Paxton is NOTORIOUS for stealing things. As soon as one walks in the door, if his ears are down it is a dead giveaway that he has done SOMETHING. Now our human is VERY, VERY diligent about not leaving anything dangerous for him to consume. But sometimes she will let down her guard if she is stepping out for a minute – like to take out the garbage – but that’s all the time he needs. The other day it was a paper bag on the counter. Our human KNEW it was there, but figured he wouldn’t take it. WRONGO. She walked in to brown confetti. At which point she uttered those famous words “What did you do?”

The other night while my human was doing some work on the computer she heard this tinkle tinkle sound. Like ornaments hitting each other. She looked and THERE in the DFZ was Frodo and ME. And one dead dog Christmas ornament with his ears removed. Another Christmas dog lay nearby – but he was still alive and intact. Frodo was lying near the fireplace and yours truly was…standing between both dogs. So what did my human say? “Who did this?” AND “What did you do?” – which was directed at ME because I was in close proximity of the evidence.

Seriously. Why do you ask those questions? You KNOW the answer. And it’s not like we can EXPLAIN or try to reason our way out of the situation. But most importantly, we dogs are not stupid. We would NEVER, EVER answer those questions – even if we could – without a lawyer present. So please. Stop asking.

Oh. And sorry about the dead ornament. But it was Frodo who did it.

A Peaceful Start. Not.

December 2, 20141 Comment

So. We’re walking along the trail early Sunday morning. It was Frodo and me and our human. Paxton was going for the next walk. It was peaceful. It was quiet. All of a sudden, our human looked ahead on the trail and could see two ATVs coming our way. She could also see a DOG running along the side of one of the ATVs. A Rottweiler. Our human pulled us off the trail and stepped into the woods so we could let the ATVs by. WE didn’t see the DOG until he/she was running right past us. As I said, our human HAD seen the dog – one of the advantages of being taller than us.

Anyway, our human held onto us for dear life. The DOG saw us but continued to run right past us and didn’t give us a second look. US? We burst into a cacophony of barking and set the mud around us flying. It was like two Tasmanian Devils at the end of the leashes. There was barking. There was growling. There was howling. The other DOG? Never even glanced back. And never made a peep.

Our human waited until they were well past us before she stepped back on the trail, with arms that were an inch longer from us pulling. Frodo was still grumbling and I just shook myself off – I actually didn’t REALLY know what had happened. I just followed Frodo’s lead.

The rest of our walk was uneventful. Kinda boring.

Paxton’s walk was good – until he spotted a neighbor walking down the road. He and my human were ahead of the neighbor and Paxton kept looking backward. It’s one of those odd moments where our human KNOWS she should stop to chat – but she also knows that this particular neighbor is not REALLY a dog person. So she’s thinking: “Stop? Don’t stop? Stop? Don’t stop?” She HAD waved and shouted hello – but was it rude not to chat? So she stopped and held Bucket Head by the collar. The problem with Pax is that he LOVES everyone. He thinks EVERYONE should pet him. But not EVERYONE feels the same way. The neighbor stood about 15 feet away. Who could blame him? He commented: “What kind of a dog is HE? I bet he’s strong.” Good observation. Long story short, my human was able to converse about SOMETHING for a minute – she doesn’t remember what it was because she was so busy holding Paxton in a death grip.

Just another ordinary start to the day. For some reason, our human went back to bed and pulled the covers over her head when all the walks were over. Not us. We were just getting started! And tomorrow, I’ll tell you what I er, Frodo did later in the day…

Guard dogs

November 30, 2014Leave a Comment

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Earlier this spring, our human found an old Labrador Retriever figure in the garage (from back in the days of Beamish the lab) and she decided to put it outside at the edge of the woods. Well. When Frodo, the supreme guard dog and barker extraordinaire, went outside, he went into full guard dog mode. He HAD to get that dog off his property. BUT, he WAS just a TINY bit scared of this vicious intruder. This video is just a SHORT segment of Frodo’s initial meeting with the Scary Black Dog. And you can hear Paxton barking in the house. Me? I went up to the dog, cautiously sniffed it and then promptly peed on it.

I didn’t say too much to Frodo about it – as I think he was a bit embarrassed about his reaction once he realized what it was. I mean seriously, it’s a flat wooden dog. It’s not scary. I mean, it’s not like it’s a lint brush or something.

Let’s eat.

November 29, 2014Leave a Comment

Well my human has made a huge dent in the Halloween candy and of course, is now regretting every tiny little candy bar consumed. All 4,000 of them. Which means, once the last one is gone, there will be a steady diet of leafy green vegetables. Yet another reason I am happy I am NOT a human.

I mean really – you humans worry and obsess way too much about what you eat. You worry about fat content and calories and organic foods and processed foods. We canines in this house will eat pretty much anything you give us – and we don’t think for one millisecond about dietary requirements. Give us cheap kibble. We’ll eat it. Give us expensive kibble. We’ll eat it. Give us raw food. We’ll eat it. Give us apples, carrots, green beans, bananas and watermelon. We’ll eat it. Give us lettuce and spinach and welllllllll, some of us will chew it for a seconds and then spit it out. Unless we see someone ELSE eating it – and then we’ll eat it.

You humans spend hours cooking and baking and preparing wonderful meals for yourselves. Sometimes you even do that for us. And it takes us the same 15.8 seconds to empty our bowl whether you have slaved over our food – or have thrown in some kibble. And in this house anyway, we are EXCITED to see the same kibble every day. We’re not picky eaters in this house. I’m sure there ARE many picky dogs out there – but here – we could forage through the cupboards and find SOMETHING to eat on any given day. Heck. Paxton is happy to consume ANYTHING at all– even things he shouldn’t eat. Remember the story of the sling?

I suppose because we have such great appetites, we DO have to watch how MUCH we eat. Honestly, if you left us a 40 lb bag of food, I think we would keep eating until we were just about ready to explode. Overfeeding us can result in a roly-poly dog – which really isn’t all that good. Our human’s first Bernese MANY years ago got rather roly-poly and she needed to take 20 lbs off him. She did it – and he was the last fat dog she ever had. Her secret to weight loss – canned pumpkin. It works every time. Just reduce your regular food and supplement it with canned pumpkin – and voila – the lbs come off. But make sure it’s PLAIN canned pumpkin and not pie filling pumpkin –or you’ll end up with a REALLY roly-poly dog!

Once in awhile if my human is traveling, she’ll stop at a fancy dog bakery and buy us something as a treat. Mind you – she hasn’t done that in a while. She said there’s not much reward in paying $9 for a biscuit that disappears in a single gulp.

She used to make biscuits – and I’m hopeful with the holidays coming that she’ll make a few batches for us. Or I’ll just have to get on-line and order some for myself. Or….I can add them to my Christmas wish list. The list is growing and growing. And trust me – there isn’t any scale on MY list!

Thanks. Again.

November 27, 2014Leave a Comment

How cool is it that our human is a citizen of two countries – so we get to celebrate Thanksgiving Day twice! There was Thanksgiving here in Canada on October 12 and today we get to celebrate US Thanksgiving – vicariously. Well. She doesn’t get the day off – but we will have turkey for supper. Well not exactly a FULL turkey dinner. Turkey burgers more like it.

But it got me thinking that there is something that I am REALLY, REALLY thankful for. You can look at my general list of what I’m thankful for in my October 12 blog– which includes the usual worldly things like food, and shelter and the wonder of the universe. But this time I want to explain about why I am thankful that I am a dog.

Yes, you humans DO all kinds of cool things – and certainly live longer than us canines – but there is one BIG thing that we canines have – that you wish you had. The ability to live NOW. In the moment. And to be HAPPY about it. We canines don’t wake up in the morning and think “Oh my, I hope I get everything done that I need to do today. I hope the weather will be nice. I hope I have enough gas in the car. I hope my project goes well at work. I hope I finish chewing that bone. I hope that tickle in my throat isn’t a cold. I hope this raincoat doesn’t make me look too fat. I hope I can get all my Christmas shopping done in time. I hope all the dogs poop this morning….”

Nor do we stress or worry about what happened two weeks ago. We MAY stress about something IN the moment – like when we see those nail clippers coming out – but we don’t give it a thought once the trauma is over – nor do we wonder or stress when it will happen again.

We live NOW. I am so thankful I am a dog and I have that ability. To wake up in the morning – and just be happy that I DID wake up! As we know, life goes by very quickly. I’m thinking that maybe you humans could think about it – and try living more like us canines once in a while. Even for a few minutes each day. Stop and breathe. Stick your head out the car window. Run some zoomies. Roll in the grass or snow. Bark like nobody is listening. Trust me – this is Viktor the PON speaking – you’ll be very thankful you did.

A VERY Happy Thanksgiving – no matter where you live!

More human sayings.

November 25, 20141 Comment

Well we were back to our routine yesterday. No poop rebellion. For the time being.

It poured rain last night so we had another game of Find the Bunny. I hate to admit it – but Paxton has Frodo and me beat. Paws down. When he is told to stay while our human hides the bunny, he is like a STATUE. Frodo and I…wellllllll….more than once we had to go back to the starting point because we cheated and broke our stays. So much for the two dogs who have had $4 million in obedience lessons…

Our human continues to amaze me with some of things she says. I thought I should share a few more that we regularly hear…

· “Don’t pee on ___________.” The blank can be completed with a number of responses ranging from “his head”, to the “neighbor’s garbage can”, to “the car” or to “that newly planted flower”. Come on humans. Don’t bother saying this. When nature calls, ya gotta go. And if my brother is foolish enough to walk under my leg when I am peeing – that’s HIS problem!

· “Move along – it’s a work day.” This is said on our walk early in the morning. Seriously. I know what day it is. We canines know the days and we know when you have to go to work. We have a calendar. It has PONs on it. You don’t need to remind us – and think that we will somehow behave differently because YOU have to go to work. If we’re not moving along fast enough – you should have gotten up earlier. And we will be happy to arrange that for you.

· “Everybody sit.” This is said when we are in front of the biscuit jar and you have indicated “TREATS”. You don’t have to include the word “everybody”. It’s not like there are 36 of us. We KNOW we all should sit. And it’s not like one of us would ever be allowed to stand. Or jump up. Or dance. While the other two are sitting. Keep it short and simple. Just “sit”. We want more efficiency in treat distribution.

I must say, sometimes living with you humans is just exhausting. But we do love you….despite the things you say.